It's five thirty on the morning and I can't sleep. I think this is because I took two mini naps yesterday. This sleep schedule is starting to get to me.
I'm watching the classsic movie "Anatomy of a Murder" and I hope it will keep me occupied until it's time to wake up with the rest of the world.
I've started thinking about Christmas presents for the family this year. Not sure what I am going to get everyone...times are tight and I was thinking about going the homemade route...but that would take some advance planning on my part...oh week I gies that's why we wake up at 5am some days...
so this morning i had a totally B-A-N-A-N-A-S day at work. like insane. so i didn't feel bad about leaving 10 minutes early. yeah. that's right. i said 10 minutes.
okay but the work being insane part is not fun or interesting. (from my sleep deprived perspective at least)
no.
so. i take the metro home at 6am and I managed to catch trains pretty quickly. my metro reading these days is the fantastic "Are Men Necessary?" by Maureen Dowd. I like it. I've read it before, but I felt like I needed to re-read it and become one with my "boys are stupid throw rocks at them side" because although it is childish and oversimplified it is how I feel and I am all about me these days.
So I eventually get off at my stop and I briefly catch a glimpse of a ghost. Not a real ghost ... but like a guy that I had met a month or two ago who had seemed to be quite into me (took a picture of me with his phone, made me promise I would go out with him again, kept telling me how great he thought I was) but then never called me, because, you know that's his thing or whatever.
I don't like ghosts ... but he was there and I didn't blink and eye (or give him the finger) I just walked confidently (and sleep deprived) towards the escalator to my house where I would proceed to eat a fried egg and turkey bacon in bed with my dog while watching a jimmy stewart movie.
so ghosts of my past i don't like you. move right along. go haunt someone else. i've got a jam to kick out to.
i'm a sucker for michael mcdonald jokes. in fact i fall in love immediately with guys who tell michael mcdonald jokes. it's been awhile since i fell in love, but ladies (and gents) be still my beating heart:
There's been a lot of talk about hope in the past two years. I had many debates with friends over whether abstract ideas would get people in this country to vote or whether it would take something specific - like a pinch in the old pocketbook, or a war, or whatever your issue is.
Maybe those things did get people out to the polls - but being a romantic at heart I'd like to think that people are being honest when their reasons for voting are tinged with hope.
It doesn't matter your political persuasion, or how your family votes, or how many articles you read online and in the papers...in the end, no one counts more or less. And in a way, that's the democracy of hope. Instead of a vote, the currency is your future, and you're trusting it to something larger than yourself.
At this time last year, personally, I didn't have much hope. And I still waver some ... but instead of thinking of all of the things that haven't happened yet in a negative sense I'm trying to think of them in a sense of anticipatory glee.
I'll fall in love again someday, and it will be great. I'll learn how to be more patient. I'll do one thing every day that scares me. I won't be afraid to tell people that I think are great how great that thing they do is. We've got to hope that these are the things that make the difference.
my grandmother's old valentines from grade school, vintage dresses, rooting around in my big leather purse (it carries everything), my mother's homemade flavored olive oil, making pasta by hand (a family tradition) ... "no one does it like you" my current, favorite song
Making a conscious effort to be positive (following the advice of my favorite band)
ways I am doing this:
1. a nate henricks song - "moving into the present - you are a planet"
*a modern treatment to doo wop, with big expansive hyperbole (the good kind) it's a picnic blanket on an almost fall night with a familiar friend
2. a brief glimpse of something wonderful
*yes that's vague. i think a large part of this last year has been figuring out what i want in this 27th year of my life (and beyond). at first i thought it was good to look back, but instead i figured it is far more fun to look forward and to follow rule #1 (stay positive)
3. trips away from civilization
*sounds like a duh. when i used to spend time in the middle of nowhere all i could think of was all of the things that i wanted in the city. now i think of all of the great times i've spent in the past year out in the (relative) wilderness.
that is all ... i'll leave you with a picture from my last trip away from civilization ... a trip to the beach (no internet, limited phone reception) where finn and i went to watch the sunset every night.
sometimes coming close has the potential to wound you more than being acres away.
in the past few weeks (months) i've been muting myself - or at least dialing down the volume.
it's an effective exercise in the workplace, but in matters of the heart it's antithetical to getting anything understood.
how different love is from work - and thank goodness.
in any case - i've tried to speak via mixtape, via subtle turn of phrase - sort of like communicating with signal flags. there's no telling whether the other ship actually knows how to read signal flags in this era of texting, and email.
I've been doing little knitting. I've got a pretty bad case of the carpal tunnel and tennis elbow? who knew that one could get it from both directions. my right hand (the non dominant hand if you're curious) feels like it should be a crumpled withered beast hand ... and the cherry on top? I've been working on a very cable-y project. It's still warm, and wet and humid, but somehow a soft alpaca hug around the neck sound so appealing - and I'm sure it will be when the chilly winds start up in a couple of months.
Wednesday I'm going on a little vacation - down to the family cottage in North Carolina to recharge. My goal is to take lots of pictures, since my camera has been dormant for some time recently. My other goal is to just stop thinking about the big things all of which can literally huddle under the rubric of "my life's direction" ...
who needs deep pensive thought when one is surrounded by the natural beauty of the sea.
It was like a vacation from thinking, and saying things. I'll leave it at that.
But I'm back - appreciating the small things, staying positive, and learning that Jamie Lidell is so right ... a little bit of feel good goes a long way.
